just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
