i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
