i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I want to be your penis for a week.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
