Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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