I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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