Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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