the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
