i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
