Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
