new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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