It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
