it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
