I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
