I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
