I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
