How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
