Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I could fuck to npr.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
