I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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