I was born with a shot glass in my hand
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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