im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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