The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
