I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
