and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
