have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
