You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
