Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
