Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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