this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
