I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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