He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
