I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
