I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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