broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
