i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
