No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I can't turn off my feet"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
