so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
