Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
