mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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