I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
