So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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