I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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