I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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