I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I need a beard to bite.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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