before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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