i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
