How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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