You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
