I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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