My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
MIDGETS
????
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
