I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Houston, we have a squirter
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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